Dear God, Allah, Great Spirit, Abraxis, etc…,
Hello, and how are things up there? Well I can’t imagine much worse than down here. Oh sure we’re all getting by. It’s a struggle you know. I’ve personally been up and down lately. Oh sure you know about it. That kind of pissed me off you know? It’s like having someone over your shoulder while you play solitaire. I mean I really don’t see you doing much by way of playing a game yourself. No, that would be below you eh? No, your just happy to sit back and have us play while you grumble up there about us not following directions you gave so long ago nobody is really even sure you exist anymore. Your really phoning it in these days aren’t you.
This brings me to the reason for the letter. You see I have been thinking on this subject for some time. I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go. Now, there’s no need to get all emotional about it. Your work has simply dropped off in the last few thousand years. Now to be fair I would like to point out some of the major considerations in my decision.
I should start by saying that I am quite aware of the scope of the job you had on your hands. What with all the different plant life and the stars. The science department has informed me that you even went so far as to make other planets out there that are completely beyond our reach, influence, or usefulness. I see this as a great waste of materials. I know your thinking that it is the fault of the human race for using the given material in such a way. I even considered sacking a few million of them to perhaps get things in a better order, but this seems a bit drastic when I consider your position. You see one of your duties is to architect this reality. I certainly hope you are not going to try to call this project complete. I see it as a work in progress. The human race included. Which brings me to the next consideration.
I want you to keep in mind that you volunteered for this job. In fact, you created your own necessity. You have worked hard in the past, and you were given great praise. You were once worshiped as I recall. This, it would seem, is a sign of good work. However, lately you just have not been filling your role as a mentor and teacher. Where are the burning bushes of yesteryear to guide the disillusioned through stormy weathers? As I recall, when last we had called on you as a whole for guidance you sent your son. I sit here shaking my head. Exactly what sort of employee sends a proxy in his place? It seems you have been taking sick days ever since.
My next point is of the subject of your volunteered projects of setting out laws for mankind. You took on a project to give a new law to man. You wrote the words with your own hand (the originals, by the way, are nowhere to be found). You then set about enforcing this law. Did you not destroy certain cities for breaking your laws? Have you not also killed outright quite a few individuals and groups for breaking these laws? This was considered fine at first. I let it go on having faith that your extreme tactics would yield better results than had been seen in the past. Alas you quit. You dropped your project and left man bewildered. I’m sure it gave you certain joy to watch the masses scrambling about. This sort of behavior cannot and will not be allowed.
The science department has been at my door for years with evidence and reason to show you the door. Until now I had held them at bay with the concept of faith. They, in turn, have garnered their own faith. Psychology, medicine, atomic science, the list goes on. The final straw came recently when an act of absolute madness resulted in innumerable deaths in your name. You have allowed those who speak for you to go completely mad. There is no point in arguing. Even now they continue to send children to their deaths in your great name. I’m not sure at what point you lost your mind or interest but we can no longer allow this to go on.
We are prepared to offer you a severance package I have devised. You may have your rapture and take with you those whom you promised you would. This may not seem much but considering the severity of the grievances it is quite generous.
Well, thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope your retirement goes well. You will have to excuse me for such an abrupt closing but I’m afraid I have quite a lot of work to do given how out of maintenance the world is.
Anthony M. Price
Greater Earth Task Force Unilateral Chief Keeping Earth Desirable